Scared shitless..

After what we've been through these past few weeks Rach and I have seemed to come around to the conclusion that the only way to keep food down is some sort of anti-nausea meds. Well maybe just I have. Rach decided yesterday that she would try (after 2 or 3 days of moderate success) to drop the pills.

She'll at least take the folic acid if I help remind her, and I'm thankful for that. Because with all this vomiting, it doesn't matter how "good" she eats if she doesn't keep it down. I'm hoping that those vitamins should be helping to at least keep the baby from being malformed while we experiment to try and stabilize Rach's health (if any of them are getting in her system).

Yesterday Rach was upset, understandably about trying to eat enough to keep her weight up. She said she wasn't very good at eating lots. I think I've probably been putting alot of pressure on her to keep trying to eat stuff. I told her that she doesn't need to just eat, but we need to find things she enjoys, so it's not some kind of a chore.

Right now she just needs to keep something down, anything. It all gets broken down into some form of energy, and hopefully the vitamins help with the rest. Once there's something for energy in there we can focus on the right forms, and protein carbohydrate balance. But I'm still very frustrated, because everything she ate yesterday came up in a whirlwind and she seems like she's back to where we were two days ago.

So if I didn't mention already, I'm very frustrated and back to feeling very helpless. I can't very well force Rachael to manage her pregnancy and I'm scared to know what it's all doing to her. I can't even tell you what it's doing to me. I can't go to work like this. I can't leave her not knowing if she's going to give up. I don't want to lose her. At this point I understand those people who would consider giving up the baby for the health of the mother. No matter how much I want this child.. I couldn't live without Rach.

I'll never find anyone like Rach. Never again in all of my life. I don't want to even imagine my life without her... it's only barely started with her. Why did I try to fulfill my selfish desire to be a father without being prepared for this? Could I have been more selfish?

Now that I've had a bit of a tear over my thoughts, I think I may try to sleep some more. Hopefully Rach will be willing try to fight this thing again in the morning. Please God, give her the will to fight this thing in the morning and into it's fruition. I'm scared.
-len