Bright ideas..

Mondays are mixed blessings..

I never like trading in my weekends for just another day, but when I do get back I'm usually able to start off strong and fresh. Lately I feel like my time is running out though. It feels as though the deadline is swiftly approaching, and I must see through all the projects in my mind before the time has run out.

Then there's all the things I would like to do outside of work. To create something sensable, almost common sense. Something that is modular, reusable, versatile.. something that captures the imagination. Something that makes the world a better place. I want to re-engineer and reorganize the world. Take all the things that are commonplace but ordinary, and turn them magically into something more than ordinary, something extraordinary.

I have a driving imagination, but Rach is right.. I don't finish much of what I start. In fact, I don't even start much of what I imagine. I often don't even remember long enough to take note.

I had a feeling this morning that I should send an sms to Rachael that said simply "I love you"... and just like so many beautiful thoughts, I didn't follow through. I should be in bed, asleep right now.. but I'm feeling down, so I punish myself by staying awake and staring at this screen. I shouldn't feel rejected when Rach has had a bad day, but I do. It's almost like I want to be consoled for her bad day. Pretty silly of me, I suppose.

I have good intentions, and I tend to think my heart is right. How else would I be able to laugh and smile through my days, despite my frustrations. Perhaps the short little spans of attention are my redemption. Keeping my mind fresh and innocent as a child, but depriving me of some sense that Rachael would rather I maintain.

Rachael is frustrated right now with Autumn's reliance on her.. when she cries for her not to leave. Yet I can understand Autumn's tears. I too feel when I am at my weakest and most vulnerable an emptyness that cries out for her and only her. It seems foolish, such a longing, when not surrounded by that void of experience. To know that she'll be back, to remember that she loves you just the same whether here or there. But I will confess, it is good to be here. Better near than far, and I thank God we made the journey together.
-len

Emotional Battery

It's an abusive title.. but I get a charge out of it.

I've recently discovered that I'm an emotional battery. You know like a giant size double A or a maybe a small Q sized battery. Maybe I'm a G sized battery, yea that's it.. and rather quite polar. I find myself to be volatile at most times and even quite flat on occasion. And I'm in desperate need of recharging.

So what makes a G sized battery become emotially charged? Well, I'll tell you.. I'm a very efficient little device. All I need is a few flowing emotons (sort of like emotional electrons.. or just emotions spelled poorly) and a bit of a chemical reaction. I'm not sure if I'm more Nickel Cadmium or Lithium Ion.. but I think I feel a bit more LIon than NiCad most of the time.

A friend once told me the difference. He explained that NiCad are heaps more stable, but can be more prone to a "memory" effect.. LIon on the other hand don't keep track of themselves and have been know to overcharge and explode. I don't know how accurate my recollection of the differences are, but it all makes sense that I wouldn't remember if I'm LIon anyway, right?

The other thing is the exploding bit. That's where I really get spooked. I mean.. who wants to go boom, right? Unless you're one of those crazy blokes from the news, it's just terribly inconvenient.. and a bit painful, I'd imagine.

I don't know where I'm going.. it seemed a lot more clever in my head. I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm a jittery bundle of emotions. It may not seem it on the outside, from this facade of cool calm and collected len.. but I am floating in an ocean of the stuff. Some times they leak out, and sometimes the dam just outright breaks. Pretty silly to damn an ocean in the first place, aye?

I'm gonna end this post in a unrhymie like thing..

the new of the shine
The sun of the blue
the two of the one
And the open way you flee

I have to hide
i have to pry
I have to ask
to know who's loosing me firmly

and I release myself
From the tention that holds me taut
to find the reigns tight and
only imaginary

There is no burden
there is no woe
Complacently pleasant
I love this place

..and that's what happens when rhymes cease, and the rythm is dismissed.
-len

Naked and shoe-less..

Australians have the worst taste in footwear. Who knows, maybe they're ahead of thier time, but I tend to think that humanity should give itself some time before we decide that the uni-toe and/or duck feet are in our future. Or maybe I'm just stuck in a rut. I do appear to be stuck in an unspoken (and unsponsored) agreement with Adidas.. with the same shoe in fact, for more than 3 generations of replacement footwear.

It's really been cold lately.. averaging around 15 degrees celcius. For all my chums back in Kansas, that may not sound very cold. I assure you, it is. I've been taking to wear a jumper, jacket and gloves around the house.. even when the heater is on. Yes, I've become a wuss to the cold. Enough with the complaining though.. because even with the beautifully chilling cold, the sunshine still warms the other half with ozone enriched rays.

So why am I naked and shoeless? Well.. I'm not.

And that my friends is exactly my point.
-len

It's not my birthday anymore..

It's easter weekend. A four day holiday for everyone in this family. RJ, AJ and myself have spent the entire time watching basketball. Yea, that's right basketball.

For those of you who know me, that probably comes as a pretty big shock. I'm not the biggest sports fan, but we had a higher cause. It was the national Deaf basketball championship.. and a great opportunity to catch up with all our friends. There were peeps there to support the teams from Melb, Syd and Bris. There was a couple of really good games too. Syd and Melb guys were close both times they played, and I.. yes I even got drawn in. There was of course several "May I hold the baby?" and "How old is the baby?" and the unavoidable "Girl or boy?" (even when she's wearing a pink neon sign that screams "Look at me world, how can I get any girlier than this!!!"). It actually seemed to be show and tell for babies and babies to be.

There was this eleven year old that had particular trouble with. She would ask to hold the baby every day. If you're a mother you can understand the delimma here. If it's your own child, it's one thing.. but an 11 year old stranger? And yet how do you say no? Sorry girl, you're too young, stick with the dollies? Nah.. that'd be rude. There were other babies around too.. so I'm sure that little girl made her rounds. It sure would have been interesting to see how many mom's told her to buzz off.

I'm smelling a strange smell right now. Like someone having a cookout. I'm hoping it's coming from outside and not in this very room. This room of course being my In-Law's place because we STILL don't have internet at ours. We tried the "Unwired" thing, but it just doesn't appear to work so well in a double brick building. So I guess I'm putting it off until something better comes along. I really don't want to pay for a phone line or for cable tv (if that's even an option). I've mentioned just getting a wireless card and seeing if we can pull internet from a neighbor's access point. If nothing else, I suppose I could strike a deal with our neighbors in the other units to split the cost. I'm sure one of the others have a phone line that we could tie into. Something to look into.

So now that I am officially 30 in every country except Sweden, you are probably wondering what I think of it. Well I don't. I hardly even notice. I more notice the ungodly amount of chocolate that this country devours for Easter. I thought it was bad in the states.. but I must say, these people are mad for chocolate. And the result.. 3 of the most heinous canker sores I've had in a long time. Well, they're not quite heinous yet.. but they're getting there.

It's hard to lay off the chocolate here tho. It's beautiful. I never really cared much for chocolate in the states, but I don't think they've ever done it quite right either. This is the place for chocolate, in my opinion. Milk chocolate, and not any of that coffee tasting stuff.

And well, speaking of food.. it's ready. And so am I. Laters.
-len

Yet another 21st birthday..

Today I turned 30, going on 20-something.

We had an "afternoon tea" today in my department at work. You wouldn't believe the spread. On top of that, my mother in law bought me a huge lunch and another lady from another department randomly brought me some chocolate cake!

Needless to say I'm stuffed. Not in the the Aussie way, I just mean I'm really full. Tonight the extended family is getting together at our place to continue the celebration and we'll no doubt have even more foooood. I hope I have room by then, because RJ's mum makes some killer haystacks, and RJ herself is making the cake.. a bananna cake with light passion fruit icing. My mouth should be watering right now just thinking about it, but I'm too busy digesting.

I got some pictures taken by one of the ladies in my department, so I'll have something to put up sometime if they're not all as goofy as I suspect. Everyone seemed to either ask me about uni (which I'm not currently attending) or asked me how it feels to be 20. None of them ever guessed that I could be 30. Oh, and they all signed a card for me. I didn't get to read it all, but it's something to do with putting my feet up. They know how hard I work down here. It's getting better, mind you.. but it can be exhausting.

I'm looking forward to getting home now. Jenny is probably waiting on me right now. I'll catch up with you all someday when it's not my birthday anymore.
-len

The week after..

My girls have been back for a week now.. and what a week it's been. My first week as a Dad, first week at my new job, first week of renting a place in Australia (even though we still sleep eat and live at Autumn's g'ma and g'pa's place.

Every day I get congratulated sooooo much. They all say the same things.. how's your girl doing? getting enough sleep? still doing well? how about now?

It's really great having so many people to give me kudos for having such a beautiful girl.. but how well she is now has so very little to do with me. At this point I feel a bit like an annoyance. Yea, I'll occasionally change a diaper.. or go get another cotton bud, or two, or three. But I don't even chat up the baby as much as G'ma and G'pa McQuillan do. Everyone else seems overprotective to me at this point too. I'm sure my time will come.. I'll prolly start when she's old enough to walk and get into trouble. Or maybe when later, when Rach starts taking her out shopping for motorbikes or something. :P

Or maybe just when she really starts to cry. Right now she's just a very happy baby. We barely hear a peep from her because her mum keeps her fed up quite regularly. One day at work I heard a door squeak, and I thought.. hmm... that sounds familiar. That's just what it sounds like, a little squeak and she's done. Back to making odd faces and squirming about.

So this is what it's like to have a little girl. All new territory from here. I hope I can cope when the real challenges come. I've not been coping to well with the challenges at work this week. I think it's probably the hardest work I've had to do for a long time. Good for me, I suspect.

She's in my lap now.. and very distracting. I'm gonna end here, so I can give her a little attention before we all fall asleep. G'night all.
-len

Coming home...

Today is the day I bring my girls home..

In case you've been missed in the wirlwind of messages and emails.. Rach and I discovered our new family early Wednesday morning, on the 22nd of the 2nd. She presented herself at 2.45kilos, 49cm, at 00:45 (in the morning). For all you normal people out there, that's a little over 5lbs 6oz, 19.2913in, and still really incredibly early (or late depending on if your going to bed or waking up - of which we were doing neither). It was an eventful morning to be sure.. and probably the longest day of the year *crosses fingers*. We finally started getting little bits of sleep while the nursery looked after the baby, but it's really taken us about 3 days to recover.

And now I'm very excited to have my girls come home..

We move into our new place tomorrow, assuming everything's in order when I sign the papers today. That's another story tho.. I'll take that on another time.

If you want pictures of the baby, here's a few links.
Reese's Photos/
Munchkin movies
My MSN spaces photos thing