Bright ideas..

Mondays are mixed blessings..

I never like trading in my weekends for just another day, but when I do get back I'm usually able to start off strong and fresh. Lately I feel like my time is running out though. It feels as though the deadline is swiftly approaching, and I must see through all the projects in my mind before the time has run out.

Then there's all the things I would like to do outside of work. To create something sensable, almost common sense. Something that is modular, reusable, versatile.. something that captures the imagination. Something that makes the world a better place. I want to re-engineer and reorganize the world. Take all the things that are commonplace but ordinary, and turn them magically into something more than ordinary, something extraordinary.

I have a driving imagination, but Rach is right.. I don't finish much of what I start. In fact, I don't even start much of what I imagine. I often don't even remember long enough to take note.

I had a feeling this morning that I should send an sms to Rachael that said simply "I love you"... and just like so many beautiful thoughts, I didn't follow through. I should be in bed, asleep right now.. but I'm feeling down, so I punish myself by staying awake and staring at this screen. I shouldn't feel rejected when Rach has had a bad day, but I do. It's almost like I want to be consoled for her bad day. Pretty silly of me, I suppose.

I have good intentions, and I tend to think my heart is right. How else would I be able to laugh and smile through my days, despite my frustrations. Perhaps the short little spans of attention are my redemption. Keeping my mind fresh and innocent as a child, but depriving me of some sense that Rachael would rather I maintain.

Rachael is frustrated right now with Autumn's reliance on her.. when she cries for her not to leave. Yet I can understand Autumn's tears. I too feel when I am at my weakest and most vulnerable an emptyness that cries out for her and only her. It seems foolish, such a longing, when not surrounded by that void of experience. To know that she'll be back, to remember that she loves you just the same whether here or there. But I will confess, it is good to be here. Better near than far, and I thank God we made the journey together.
-len