There is so much I want to say. And so much I don't feel like I can.
My daughters are probably going to read this some day. I need them to know that I love their mother like nothing else in this world. I gave up my world for her, and I would gladly do it again.. on a good day.
But I haven't had too many good days for a while.
When I do. When I see a glimpse of who she really is. When we get an honest opportunity to laugh together. When we discuss something we both believe in.. I just feel like a high 5 wouldn't be enough. I want to give her a hug and hold her close. I want express those moments in one fantastic gesture.
Unfortunately I was raised on the wrong language. The language I grew up on included incredibly impractical gifts and outrageous demonstrations of passion. It includes songs and the feelings they evoke. It includes making a fool of myself and sometimes a fool of you in front of people we trust.
I am needy. I'm emotional. I'm reactive. I'm very much like my own daughters.. who need you as much as I do. Let me correct that. WANT you as much as I do.
Don't even pretend to think that I made a wrong choice. You know as well as I do that we're a good match. We understand one another better than you care to admit. We complement one another, and take the rough edges off, when we are careful enough not to pick each other to bits.
What we made was a hard choice.
Two people from different backgrounds, with different abilities. From different families, all separation compounded by a million little tiny cilia singing their incessant song through brain and body.
I do all I know to do. And I wait.
And I wait.
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